I celebrate the day

So I know I'm just a tad late but I guess there couldn't be a more appropriate time to say... better late than never. Anyway, yesterday was Christmas. I've been making my way through Matthew and that is, of course, where the gospel begins. I'm realizing how much trouble it took to bring Jesus into this world and what chaos He caused, how much He went through and how compassionate His spirit is. Jesus was the prince of Heaven, given everything... His own kingdom for cryin out loud! So I asked myself this question: If I was a princess, which my mommy thinks I am, would I give up my throne to be poor and have nothing, to be something that nobody thought would have been pleasing to the eye, to hang out with dirty and broken people, and to love and die for people who hated me? This is what I thought about this Christmas day. What an incredible sacrifice He made. How hard would that be to let go of everything you could ever possibly want? I guess He wanted me more than any of those things though. I want to be like that. I want to be able to give up everything and be able to have the attitude that doesn't care about how much I'm going to get for Christmas or how wealthy I couldb be one day. It doesn't matter at all. Jesus was the ultimate servant and I think He honors those who try to mirror His life. It's hard but rewarding. Jesus, I can't thank you or praise you enough for stepping down from your throne for me, to be like me and to experience what I experience here on earth. I praise you for how humble you were for coming into this world on this day. Thank you.

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

I Celebrate the Day-Relient K

Leave

I'm ready to leave, ready to go home, go somewhere else. If I could only leave behind the way I feel right now... that would be great.

I hate it, this feeling... whatever that might be. I keep letting myself be hurt. It really hurts when your heart breaks. Mine is breaking for a lot of reasons right now. I just don't know what's good for me I guess. I wish I could keep some people close to me forever. I'm so glad for friendship and for forgiveness. I'm so glad that God can come in and mend what's broken.

I'm going to miss you Chelsea.

I was thinking about all of the people that God has used throughout the Bible. The people that He chose weren't people who were near perfect or who were anything special. They were simple, ordinary people that let God come in and make their lives hard but what God through them was extraordinary and changed the lives of many. That's what it takes to be apart of this plan, to have a heart and a willingness to let Him do whatever He needs to do through you. If I want to take the easy way out, I don't have to be a Christian... or at least a good one that tries. But that's not what I want. I want to please God and, I know I'm kind of asking for it but, this life will be hard for me. I'm going to be ok with that because I'm simple and ordinary but my heart longs to belong to God and I want Him to use me. Even if that means I have to give up everything, be broken hearted, I'll do it because He is worth whatever I have to go through.

If it doesn't break your heart,

it isn't love.

If it doesn't break your heart,

it's not enough.

Jesus Paid It All

I've been thinking a lot about how other people live lately. After working at the Simple Room, I know that there is something so much behind these kids' eyes that we can't see. There is a story of hurt and pain, suffering, rejection, neglect, and a need to be loved. There was a Christmas tree at the Simple Room with a bunch of names on it and all of the volunteers were supposed to pick a name and buy a present for that kid. The kids didn't write much of anything that they wanted on there because they aren't used to getting much. My roommate got a girl who only wanted a teddy bear. Something so simple as a teddy bear can mean the world to somebody who comes from nothing. It truly wasn't a big deal for me to go pick up a present and give it to her but when I step back and look at what God can do through even a small opportunity like that, it could mean so much more than meets the eye. I'm not saying that I am wealthy by any means, but I am blessed more than I realized, especially spiritually.

Vespers was really amazing tonight. The guy who talked was really getting to the heart of the matter, the real reason of Christmas. He said some really profound things. He said something along these lines, "If you don't know that Jesus came to get these scars and take our shame, and conquer the enemy.... then you're really missing the point of Christmas. We need to realize on Christmas that He knew what He was doing when He left His throne. He knew that 33 years later He would suffer and die... but it was willingly that he came to give us life."

I couldn't help but think about the stains I've left on my life, how unworthy and devalued I feel. I wanted to cry tonight, I could barely sing the praise songs. Then the worship band played a song. Nothing I could say would be better than this so... here it is.

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Saviour say

"Thy strength indeed is small.

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me Thing All in All.

Jesus paid it all!

All to Him I owe.

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy power and Thine alone,

Can change the leper's spots,

And wash them white as snow.

And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

Jesus died to save my soul

My lips shall still repeat.

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead!

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead!

Feel loved

This week the dance team performed at the half time of the basketball game and the kids from the Simple Room performed right before us. They were so incredibly happy to be out there and perform at a college basketball game. The crowd was so amazingly loud in appreciation for them and just made them feel incredible. The kids were absolutely delighted to finally feel good about themselves and get a little praise for doing a good job. I'm lucky to have grown up in a house where my parents always told me they loved me, hugged and kissed me; they always let me know that I was more than enough just for trying my best even if I failed. Most of these kids don't have that at all. A lot of them are starving for their parents' attention, constantly seeking approval and never get rewarded. I am so thankful that they were given the opportunity to receive such great attention and acceptance at the basketball game. They were loving every minute of it and I know that for some of those kids, that will be a memory that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.

It's so easy for me to take for granted something like that. Dancing is what I love to do, not for myself but because God has put that desire in my heart. I am so grateful that I have always been loved and felt loved. Praise God for loving us just the way we are, He says that we are good enough no matter what. He dances over us and rejoices in us even when we know we've failed Him immensely.

" The lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

I love that verse.

Jesus is my warrior. He's constantly fighting these battles that I can't take care of myself. I've recognized that a lot this week, well I guess I still am. He's so good at that. He's so good at being my Dad, taking care of me. When Jesus walked on this earth, He was also really good about being sincerely intentional to people. Truly caring for them the same way He cares for me today. It blows me away sometimes, how deep his kindness goes. I think that is something that I can see in other peoples' lives but I'm trying really hard to work on that in my own. I've known His great love and strength and have witnessed it in my own life time and time again. Even though my vision is clouded, it's hard to see, He is standing right here with me. Holding my hand, like a good, gracious, holy Father should.

...I guess that is why

I'm telling you now

That I haven't figured it out

The depth of the things that I've missed

They leave me like this...

Scared, that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere.

So I need you when it all starts to show, When I'm all alone.

Within me

I've listened to the Dave Barnes' album Me and You and the World probably twice tonight. It's like he's speaking to my soul... yeah, I'm such a girl. It's probably not a good thing though, it's making me sad. I like the music, don't like the effects :(

Christmas is upon us and I cannot wait until it's here! It's supposed to "snow" on Thursday in Greenville and I'm kind of excited :D not about the coldness but just the white stuff!

When I grow up, I'm going to live somewhere warm. I will of course be around the MW to see at least a little snow, but I need warmth. I think I've dealt with enough cold in my lifetime.

Also, when I grow up, I'm going to have a little farm. I'll have a donkey, some horses, a miniature horse, and an alpaca... AND I found a new addition to my farm today!!! I'm going to get a miniature potbelly pig! I will get it when it's just a baby because they're super adorable and I will still love it when it's a nice, grown piggy :)

Well, that was random and weird...

I've been slacking a lot lately. I don't know where my motivation has escaped to. Not necessarily dealing with school but just things in life like trying to be a be the best person I can be, keeping up with my spiritual life and the disciplines that go along with it, and just loving God as best as I can. I honestly feel attacked and I hate it. This feeling is no fun but I know that God will see me through if I seek him. That is all I can do at this point, seek Him with all I have. I wish I would give all that I have, it's what He deserves. I think that it's possible to give my whole self to God, it's up to my choices though. I've been realizing more and more how big of a fan I am of choices. I'm a firm believer in the fact that almost always, you can choose your mood. But then again, I feel stuck in this place where I'm trying to find that positivity, it's so hard.

Matt Hughes came to my school a couple of weeks ago. He told us about how he was told that God doesn't really talk to people. He was really offended about that and said, "Yes He does! He talks to me everyday when I open up my Bible!" It was a really inspiring and really unexpected point that I didn't really intend to hear from Matt Hughes. I think that a lot of the times I'm trying to find God speaking to me in the most obvious ways, through a sermon, in prayer meeting, or at chapel. Do I honestly expect God to talk to me when I open His word or intend to see him in a circumstance or listen to Him through another person? Those are places I ought to be searching for Him because that's how God works... in the most unexpected ways. What do I know about Jesus and His sacrifice apart from the Bible? I wouldn't have ever known anything a bout God if my parent's didn't have His word, if I didn't have His word. I know that it's true. Every time I do open up my Bible, I get something out of it. This feeling of apathy completely sucks, I hate it.

Lord God, I need you to overcome this battle within me because I cannot fight it on my own.

The more I seek You,

the more I find You.

The more I find You, the more I love You.

I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand.

Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming