Blessed, Start Small

I'm so ready to just go home (and sleep in my own room, in my own bed!) I think I can only take Greenville in doses. I'm just anxious to be around my family and friends, I suppose a little nervous as well. I praise God that I have an amazing family to come home to. It may be very broken, but it is very good. It is crazy to me to look back on everything that has happened to us and see God through it all. He was there, always.

Blessings have been made so evident to me lately, especially now that Thanksgiving is this week. I feel like it is going to be different this year though. I've failed so much in the past to recognize how unbelievably blessed I am in every aspect of my life. I ought to constantly be giving God praise for everything, simple things: air, the sun, the sky, the ability to use all of my senses... I could go on forever. I guess things like that just aren't something that I always realize all of the time as being a blessing. It's funny because I guess I just always thought those are things I deserved. Not really funny, more like pathetic. I don't deserve any of them, but I praise His all-surpassing righteousness and grace and mercy in my life. Thank you God for these simple things that I take for granted. Help me to recognize you in everything.

Tonight was a good night. I went to this "Women's Night of Worship" hosted by res. life. I didn't really know what I was expecting to get out of it, I guess just go and give God glory and that would be it. That's not how it really went down. I had a conversation, a very honest conversation with a dear friend. We had to break up into small groups and discuss the lies we tend to believe about ourselves but also discuss what God's thoughts are on those lies. I guess I really hadn't thought a lot about that and I believe that God made Alisha my partner for a reason. I realized tonight that I've been really afraid of failing God, that I won't be successful in Him. It kind of seems silly now that I'm looking at it from the outside because... of course I will fail God. I don't ever want to purposefully do that, but it's going to happen.... but Jesus knows that. He knows it before it will ever even happen. Like I've said before, when Jesus lived as a human, everybody he knew failed Him and that hasn't changed. His ultimate example of love those covers over all. That's what love does, it covers over a multitude of sin (1 Peter 4:8). I'm so glad Alisha pointed this out to me again; I don't have to be afraid of not being successful enough for Him because as long as I am seeking God entirely, with my whole heart, I will be where he needs me to be. I can say that easily enough, but to fully accept it is going to take some time. And the problem is, there is a lot more of myself that I need to give to Him. I honestly want to seek after the heart of God. I need Him. I need His strength and assurance that He won't ever leave my side in my life. Sometimes I feel all alone, even when I'm around tons of people. It's weird, I don't like that but I'm just stubborn because I don't have to feel that way. When I say that I can look back on the situations that I've been through and see that God was there the whole time, why do I continue to doubt that He has left me now? He hasn't! Praise God for his unfailing faithfulness. Thank you Jesus for understanding me, how I feel, for becoming lowly as I am to express your unfathomable love for us.

When I pray, I tend to get overwhelmed. I start thinking of all of these situations that need prayer. Today, I realized that it's impossible to pray for everything that I'm aware of that needs prayer (at least, in one prayer session... and probably ever). I also get overwhelmed when I am thanking God but I also realized that I don't have to do it all at once. I just need to start small and be continual and intentional about my thankfulness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7Bz_EwHs_Q

Soon and very soon

Soon

Soon and very soon

My King is coming

Robed in righteousness

And crowned with love

When I see Him, I

shall be made like Him

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

I'll be going

To the place He has prepared for me

There my sin erased

My shame forgotten

Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love

With unveiled face I'll see

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

See the procession

The angels and the elders

'round the throne

At His feet I'll lay my crown, my worship

Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him

My heart knows Him well

Jesus Christ the Lamb

The Lord of Heaven

-Brooke Fraser

I know that was kind of a lot, but I thought the whole song was worth posting. I can't wait to meet Jesus one day. I'm only given one life and I'm not going to wish it away but meeting my Saviour is one thing worth looking forward to. Yeah, I don't think I could write anything more hopeful than that song.

Goodness, God has been speaking to me so much through music lately... I love it. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time listening to so much crap that doesn't even matter, where people seriously sing about nothing. Now I just find it pointless to even try to listen to most of what's on the radio. It's kind of crazy because I have always been so in love with the beauty of music but I'm finding more beauty in music that brings glory to God than in the elements of composure.

Yesterday's chapel was really touching to me. Dr. Linneman's wife, Kayla, spoke. She's a psychiatrist and gets to work with tons of different types of people so, of course, that was incredibly interesting to me. She said something that most definitely stuck with me though. It's pretty simple, or what should be common knowledge, I suppose. She said that, "The way we think about things changes our feelings and our feelings change our behaviors." If we pour crappy, vulgar, or meaningless music and movies into our thoughts, that is how we will feel and therefore cause us to act differently. I most definitely can see this in my own life and so much in others as well. When I start listening to the radio instead of spiritually nourishing music, I begin to be apathetic towards spiritual disciplines and towards God. I hate that so much. When I watch movies that I know aren't good for me, they totally have an influence on my thoughts and images are stuck in my mind that I know aren't always pleasing to Jesus.

I guess it's not something that people normally think about. A lot of times we feel like we can just live life listening and watching things that we don't think God really cares about it, but I can see now that He does. At least for my life, as of lately, He has been calling me to be something so much more. He's wanting me to be better and that means changing things in me to be different for HIm. Even if that means a change in something as simple as music or movies, I will try my best to do it. I know this is going to be hard but like I said, it is something simple to change and Jesus is so worth it.

If you haven't been able to tell by now... this is going to be a long one.

So I've been contemplating a transfer. I've been thinking about it for a long time. A few weeks ago, I was planning on moving across the country. I have now learned that God has much different plans than I had for myself. You see, I was mapping out my life and it seemed that it was going to work perfectly. Well, fail on my part. Things are going to be very different than I expected, I guess God works that way sometimes. I'm going to stay at Greenville and hopefully graduate a year early (2011). I feel like if I went somewhere else I would have to start new and probably lack the spiritual aspect of learning. That is something that I am so thankful for, that the majority of my professors incorporate a shared love of Christ and a motivation to do everything for HIm because He has done everything for us. I love that so much and I love the people God has blessed me with here. Greenville probably isn't the coolest town to live in, but I guess I have the rest of my life to live in.... cool towns? Whateves. God has me here, He has been working in me, and I believe this is where I will graduate.

I love my dance team. The Pink Panthers are awesome! The best part is, we don't make the dancing about us. I feel that we all realize we wouldn't dance without God's blessing. We wouldn't have feet or legs or arms or anything without God and we owe whatever we have to Him. I wouldn't be able to turn or leap without muscles or a brain or breath. Whoosh, there is just so much to be thankful for, so much he has blessed us with. God is awesome in the talents he has bestowed upon people. I love seeing how diverse everybody is, it amazes me. I guess that's part of why people amaze me so much. We were made in His image and so being able to see God in other people just makes me want to love them so much more. God is so creative in how he has made us all unique but alike.

I'm still awake at 1:32, why? I don't know. I guess it's because I would rather write a blog and express myself to God about how cool he is than sleep. BUT I suppose God did create rest for a reason, after all even He needed it on the seventh day. Good night Jesus!

Confession

I am selfish. I am judgmental... a hypocrite. Things that I never wanted to be. I've thought differently about others because I thought that they were being these things. God is revealing a lot of things about myself to me. He is most definitely wanting to humble my spirit. Even though I hate what I see in me, I know this is what I need though. How can I love others before I can love myself? It just doesn't work that way and I need to acknowledge my Savior's forgiveness and mercy.

Yesterday, I went with Alisha, Emily, and the rest of Ryan Mifflin's Dirty Roots Revolution gang to St. Louis. We helped pass out care packages with food, some socks, hats, mittens, and toiletries to homeless people. After all of the packages were gone, we just hung out with them for like 2 hours, talking. The DRR crew has been going there for about a year now and so they know most of the people who come by and get the packages. They're friends, genuinely. It truly humbled me to hear some of their stories. Sometimes people cross to the other side of the street just so they can avoid the homeless ones. They're not even treated like humans half the time. And yet, when I talk to them, they have better than most of the "normal" people that I know. Even though they have nothing, they are happier than many wealthy people I know. I see Jesus in them.

I read Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution last year. It was pretty inspiring. Anyway, he talked about how he met a lot of homeless people in a large city and they all slept at an old church building and the city wanted to kick them out. They were able to construct a sign saying, "How can we worship a homeless man on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?" The homeless man they referred to is my Saviour, Jesus Christ. You see, Jesus never truly had a home or a place where he could rest his head. He didn't belong anywhere, but he was the ultimate example of love and acceptance. What an amazing God. It puts things in perspective when you think about it like that. How can we ignore the poor and impoverished, the orphaned and widowed? I'm really thankful that God brought me to St. Louis yesterday. I have so much to be thankful for. I suppose it is the season for that and this year, I'm not just saying thanks... I'm actually going to do something about it. Because Jesus has blessed me with so much, he will also bless others through me.

Not My Own...

I can finally see,
That you're right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you

-Owl City

Goodness, life hasn't been this big of a roller coaster in a long time. It's just crazy what God does to get our attention sometimes. Like, you never would have thought that God puts us in the strangest of circumstances just so we will notice him. He truly does give and take away, but he is still so good.

I love Jesus but I just cannot figure out for the life of me why he would want me to hang out with him. I think I've realized within the last week just how truly human Jesus was. There is always this picture in my mind of Jesus being totally God, even though I'm a firm believer in the trinity, I put the God part of Jesus first. Mmmmake sense? Recently I've just felt that his humanness has been made so evident to me. He was tempted and tried. When I think about all the things that I want to buy or possess or how well-off I want to be when I grow up, I can see that Jesus was offered those things freely and turned them away from me. When my relationships fall apart and I feel betrayed or hurt, I think back to when... pretty much all of Jesus' best friends in the entire world betrayed him at the worst possible time ever. How selfish of me to think that God doesn't know what I'm going through.

Recognizing the divine humanness of Christ also motivates me. Yes, he is God as well as the Spirit but he was human. If he was a human and faced all of these things that I face, and still didn't sin.... I am certainly capable of striving for the same. I know that because I am not divine, I will screw up (immensely I'm sure) but why would I not try?

It makes me appreciate the similarity of God's character to ours and how he truly did create us in his image. He is a faithful God and I owe my faithfulness to him. How can I think that my life belongs to me? I am truly not my own because he made me into a new creation for him.

I used to have a blog, which was basically my journal. Ya know, the XANGA thing? I know, I was a cool kid ; ) So I stopped that and tried to do the manual writing journal thingy and I just don't like that. I need to start new with a lot of things. It doesn't really matter if anybody reads this, as long as I can vent or pour myself out at the end of the day and express myself to the Lord is all that I really care about.

Even though I don't fully understand what is happening in my life right now, why it's happening, and what is going to happen, all I can really do is place these things in God's hands. To not lean on my own understanding (because we all know that would fail) is to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I pray that he would help me to do this right now. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.