I celebrate the day

So I know I'm just a tad late but I guess there couldn't be a more appropriate time to say... better late than never. Anyway, yesterday was Christmas. I've been making my way through Matthew and that is, of course, where the gospel begins. I'm realizing how much trouble it took to bring Jesus into this world and what chaos He caused, how much He went through and how compassionate His spirit is. Jesus was the prince of Heaven, given everything... His own kingdom for cryin out loud! So I asked myself this question: If I was a princess, which my mommy thinks I am, would I give up my throne to be poor and have nothing, to be something that nobody thought would have been pleasing to the eye, to hang out with dirty and broken people, and to love and die for people who hated me? This is what I thought about this Christmas day. What an incredible sacrifice He made. How hard would that be to let go of everything you could ever possibly want? I guess He wanted me more than any of those things though. I want to be like that. I want to be able to give up everything and be able to have the attitude that doesn't care about how much I'm going to get for Christmas or how wealthy I couldb be one day. It doesn't matter at all. Jesus was the ultimate servant and I think He honors those who try to mirror His life. It's hard but rewarding. Jesus, I can't thank you or praise you enough for stepping down from your throne for me, to be like me and to experience what I experience here on earth. I praise you for how humble you were for coming into this world on this day. Thank you.

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

I Celebrate the Day-Relient K

Leave

I'm ready to leave, ready to go home, go somewhere else. If I could only leave behind the way I feel right now... that would be great.

I hate it, this feeling... whatever that might be. I keep letting myself be hurt. It really hurts when your heart breaks. Mine is breaking for a lot of reasons right now. I just don't know what's good for me I guess. I wish I could keep some people close to me forever. I'm so glad for friendship and for forgiveness. I'm so glad that God can come in and mend what's broken.

I'm going to miss you Chelsea.

I was thinking about all of the people that God has used throughout the Bible. The people that He chose weren't people who were near perfect or who were anything special. They were simple, ordinary people that let God come in and make their lives hard but what God through them was extraordinary and changed the lives of many. That's what it takes to be apart of this plan, to have a heart and a willingness to let Him do whatever He needs to do through you. If I want to take the easy way out, I don't have to be a Christian... or at least a good one that tries. But that's not what I want. I want to please God and, I know I'm kind of asking for it but, this life will be hard for me. I'm going to be ok with that because I'm simple and ordinary but my heart longs to belong to God and I want Him to use me. Even if that means I have to give up everything, be broken hearted, I'll do it because He is worth whatever I have to go through.

If it doesn't break your heart,

it isn't love.

If it doesn't break your heart,

it's not enough.

Jesus Paid It All

I've been thinking a lot about how other people live lately. After working at the Simple Room, I know that there is something so much behind these kids' eyes that we can't see. There is a story of hurt and pain, suffering, rejection, neglect, and a need to be loved. There was a Christmas tree at the Simple Room with a bunch of names on it and all of the volunteers were supposed to pick a name and buy a present for that kid. The kids didn't write much of anything that they wanted on there because they aren't used to getting much. My roommate got a girl who only wanted a teddy bear. Something so simple as a teddy bear can mean the world to somebody who comes from nothing. It truly wasn't a big deal for me to go pick up a present and give it to her but when I step back and look at what God can do through even a small opportunity like that, it could mean so much more than meets the eye. I'm not saying that I am wealthy by any means, but I am blessed more than I realized, especially spiritually.

Vespers was really amazing tonight. The guy who talked was really getting to the heart of the matter, the real reason of Christmas. He said some really profound things. He said something along these lines, "If you don't know that Jesus came to get these scars and take our shame, and conquer the enemy.... then you're really missing the point of Christmas. We need to realize on Christmas that He knew what He was doing when He left His throne. He knew that 33 years later He would suffer and die... but it was willingly that he came to give us life."

I couldn't help but think about the stains I've left on my life, how unworthy and devalued I feel. I wanted to cry tonight, I could barely sing the praise songs. Then the worship band played a song. Nothing I could say would be better than this so... here it is.

Jesus Paid It All

I hear the Saviour say

"Thy strength indeed is small.

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me Thing All in All.

Jesus paid it all!

All to Him I owe.

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy power and Thine alone,

Can change the leper's spots,

And wash them white as snow.

And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

Jesus died to save my soul

My lips shall still repeat.

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead!

Oh, praise the One who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead!

Feel loved

This week the dance team performed at the half time of the basketball game and the kids from the Simple Room performed right before us. They were so incredibly happy to be out there and perform at a college basketball game. The crowd was so amazingly loud in appreciation for them and just made them feel incredible. The kids were absolutely delighted to finally feel good about themselves and get a little praise for doing a good job. I'm lucky to have grown up in a house where my parents always told me they loved me, hugged and kissed me; they always let me know that I was more than enough just for trying my best even if I failed. Most of these kids don't have that at all. A lot of them are starving for their parents' attention, constantly seeking approval and never get rewarded. I am so thankful that they were given the opportunity to receive such great attention and acceptance at the basketball game. They were loving every minute of it and I know that for some of those kids, that will be a memory that they will treasure for the rest of their lives.

It's so easy for me to take for granted something like that. Dancing is what I love to do, not for myself but because God has put that desire in my heart. I am so grateful that I have always been loved and felt loved. Praise God for loving us just the way we are, He says that we are good enough no matter what. He dances over us and rejoices in us even when we know we've failed Him immensely.

" The lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. he will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17

I love that verse.

Jesus is my warrior. He's constantly fighting these battles that I can't take care of myself. I've recognized that a lot this week, well I guess I still am. He's so good at that. He's so good at being my Dad, taking care of me. When Jesus walked on this earth, He was also really good about being sincerely intentional to people. Truly caring for them the same way He cares for me today. It blows me away sometimes, how deep his kindness goes. I think that is something that I can see in other peoples' lives but I'm trying really hard to work on that in my own. I've known His great love and strength and have witnessed it in my own life time and time again. Even though my vision is clouded, it's hard to see, He is standing right here with me. Holding my hand, like a good, gracious, holy Father should.

...I guess that is why

I'm telling you now

That I haven't figured it out

The depth of the things that I've missed

They leave me like this...

Scared, that somehow I'll cease to belong anywhere.

So I need you when it all starts to show, When I'm all alone.

Within me

I've listened to the Dave Barnes' album Me and You and the World probably twice tonight. It's like he's speaking to my soul... yeah, I'm such a girl. It's probably not a good thing though, it's making me sad. I like the music, don't like the effects :(

Christmas is upon us and I cannot wait until it's here! It's supposed to "snow" on Thursday in Greenville and I'm kind of excited :D not about the coldness but just the white stuff!

When I grow up, I'm going to live somewhere warm. I will of course be around the MW to see at least a little snow, but I need warmth. I think I've dealt with enough cold in my lifetime.

Also, when I grow up, I'm going to have a little farm. I'll have a donkey, some horses, a miniature horse, and an alpaca... AND I found a new addition to my farm today!!! I'm going to get a miniature potbelly pig! I will get it when it's just a baby because they're super adorable and I will still love it when it's a nice, grown piggy :)

Well, that was random and weird...

I've been slacking a lot lately. I don't know where my motivation has escaped to. Not necessarily dealing with school but just things in life like trying to be a be the best person I can be, keeping up with my spiritual life and the disciplines that go along with it, and just loving God as best as I can. I honestly feel attacked and I hate it. This feeling is no fun but I know that God will see me through if I seek him. That is all I can do at this point, seek Him with all I have. I wish I would give all that I have, it's what He deserves. I think that it's possible to give my whole self to God, it's up to my choices though. I've been realizing more and more how big of a fan I am of choices. I'm a firm believer in the fact that almost always, you can choose your mood. But then again, I feel stuck in this place where I'm trying to find that positivity, it's so hard.

Matt Hughes came to my school a couple of weeks ago. He told us about how he was told that God doesn't really talk to people. He was really offended about that and said, "Yes He does! He talks to me everyday when I open up my Bible!" It was a really inspiring and really unexpected point that I didn't really intend to hear from Matt Hughes. I think that a lot of the times I'm trying to find God speaking to me in the most obvious ways, through a sermon, in prayer meeting, or at chapel. Do I honestly expect God to talk to me when I open His word or intend to see him in a circumstance or listen to Him through another person? Those are places I ought to be searching for Him because that's how God works... in the most unexpected ways. What do I know about Jesus and His sacrifice apart from the Bible? I wouldn't have ever known anything a bout God if my parent's didn't have His word, if I didn't have His word. I know that it's true. Every time I do open up my Bible, I get something out of it. This feeling of apathy completely sucks, I hate it.

Lord God, I need you to overcome this battle within me because I cannot fight it on my own.

The more I seek You,

the more I find You.

The more I find You, the more I love You.

I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand.

Lay back against you and breathe, feel your heart beat.

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

Blessed, Start Small

I'm so ready to just go home (and sleep in my own room, in my own bed!) I think I can only take Greenville in doses. I'm just anxious to be around my family and friends, I suppose a little nervous as well. I praise God that I have an amazing family to come home to. It may be very broken, but it is very good. It is crazy to me to look back on everything that has happened to us and see God through it all. He was there, always.

Blessings have been made so evident to me lately, especially now that Thanksgiving is this week. I feel like it is going to be different this year though. I've failed so much in the past to recognize how unbelievably blessed I am in every aspect of my life. I ought to constantly be giving God praise for everything, simple things: air, the sun, the sky, the ability to use all of my senses... I could go on forever. I guess things like that just aren't something that I always realize all of the time as being a blessing. It's funny because I guess I just always thought those are things I deserved. Not really funny, more like pathetic. I don't deserve any of them, but I praise His all-surpassing righteousness and grace and mercy in my life. Thank you God for these simple things that I take for granted. Help me to recognize you in everything.

Tonight was a good night. I went to this "Women's Night of Worship" hosted by res. life. I didn't really know what I was expecting to get out of it, I guess just go and give God glory and that would be it. That's not how it really went down. I had a conversation, a very honest conversation with a dear friend. We had to break up into small groups and discuss the lies we tend to believe about ourselves but also discuss what God's thoughts are on those lies. I guess I really hadn't thought a lot about that and I believe that God made Alisha my partner for a reason. I realized tonight that I've been really afraid of failing God, that I won't be successful in Him. It kind of seems silly now that I'm looking at it from the outside because... of course I will fail God. I don't ever want to purposefully do that, but it's going to happen.... but Jesus knows that. He knows it before it will ever even happen. Like I've said before, when Jesus lived as a human, everybody he knew failed Him and that hasn't changed. His ultimate example of love those covers over all. That's what love does, it covers over a multitude of sin (1 Peter 4:8). I'm so glad Alisha pointed this out to me again; I don't have to be afraid of not being successful enough for Him because as long as I am seeking God entirely, with my whole heart, I will be where he needs me to be. I can say that easily enough, but to fully accept it is going to take some time. And the problem is, there is a lot more of myself that I need to give to Him. I honestly want to seek after the heart of God. I need Him. I need His strength and assurance that He won't ever leave my side in my life. Sometimes I feel all alone, even when I'm around tons of people. It's weird, I don't like that but I'm just stubborn because I don't have to feel that way. When I say that I can look back on the situations that I've been through and see that God was there the whole time, why do I continue to doubt that He has left me now? He hasn't! Praise God for his unfailing faithfulness. Thank you Jesus for understanding me, how I feel, for becoming lowly as I am to express your unfathomable love for us.

When I pray, I tend to get overwhelmed. I start thinking of all of these situations that need prayer. Today, I realized that it's impossible to pray for everything that I'm aware of that needs prayer (at least, in one prayer session... and probably ever). I also get overwhelmed when I am thanking God but I also realized that I don't have to do it all at once. I just need to start small and be continual and intentional about my thankfulness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7Bz_EwHs_Q

Soon and very soon

Soon

Soon and very soon

My King is coming

Robed in righteousness

And crowned with love

When I see Him, I

shall be made like Him

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

I'll be going

To the place He has prepared for me

There my sin erased

My shame forgotten

Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love

With unveiled face I'll see

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

See the procession

The angels and the elders

'round the throne

At His feet I'll lay my crown, my worship

Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him

My heart knows Him well

Jesus Christ the Lamb

The Lord of Heaven

-Brooke Fraser

I know that was kind of a lot, but I thought the whole song was worth posting. I can't wait to meet Jesus one day. I'm only given one life and I'm not going to wish it away but meeting my Saviour is one thing worth looking forward to. Yeah, I don't think I could write anything more hopeful than that song.

Goodness, God has been speaking to me so much through music lately... I love it. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time listening to so much crap that doesn't even matter, where people seriously sing about nothing. Now I just find it pointless to even try to listen to most of what's on the radio. It's kind of crazy because I have always been so in love with the beauty of music but I'm finding more beauty in music that brings glory to God than in the elements of composure.

Yesterday's chapel was really touching to me. Dr. Linneman's wife, Kayla, spoke. She's a psychiatrist and gets to work with tons of different types of people so, of course, that was incredibly interesting to me. She said something that most definitely stuck with me though. It's pretty simple, or what should be common knowledge, I suppose. She said that, "The way we think about things changes our feelings and our feelings change our behaviors." If we pour crappy, vulgar, or meaningless music and movies into our thoughts, that is how we will feel and therefore cause us to act differently. I most definitely can see this in my own life and so much in others as well. When I start listening to the radio instead of spiritually nourishing music, I begin to be apathetic towards spiritual disciplines and towards God. I hate that so much. When I watch movies that I know aren't good for me, they totally have an influence on my thoughts and images are stuck in my mind that I know aren't always pleasing to Jesus.

I guess it's not something that people normally think about. A lot of times we feel like we can just live life listening and watching things that we don't think God really cares about it, but I can see now that He does. At least for my life, as of lately, He has been calling me to be something so much more. He's wanting me to be better and that means changing things in me to be different for HIm. Even if that means a change in something as simple as music or movies, I will try my best to do it. I know this is going to be hard but like I said, it is something simple to change and Jesus is so worth it.

If you haven't been able to tell by now... this is going to be a long one.

So I've been contemplating a transfer. I've been thinking about it for a long time. A few weeks ago, I was planning on moving across the country. I have now learned that God has much different plans than I had for myself. You see, I was mapping out my life and it seemed that it was going to work perfectly. Well, fail on my part. Things are going to be very different than I expected, I guess God works that way sometimes. I'm going to stay at Greenville and hopefully graduate a year early (2011). I feel like if I went somewhere else I would have to start new and probably lack the spiritual aspect of learning. That is something that I am so thankful for, that the majority of my professors incorporate a shared love of Christ and a motivation to do everything for HIm because He has done everything for us. I love that so much and I love the people God has blessed me with here. Greenville probably isn't the coolest town to live in, but I guess I have the rest of my life to live in.... cool towns? Whateves. God has me here, He has been working in me, and I believe this is where I will graduate.

I love my dance team. The Pink Panthers are awesome! The best part is, we don't make the dancing about us. I feel that we all realize we wouldn't dance without God's blessing. We wouldn't have feet or legs or arms or anything without God and we owe whatever we have to Him. I wouldn't be able to turn or leap without muscles or a brain or breath. Whoosh, there is just so much to be thankful for, so much he has blessed us with. God is awesome in the talents he has bestowed upon people. I love seeing how diverse everybody is, it amazes me. I guess that's part of why people amaze me so much. We were made in His image and so being able to see God in other people just makes me want to love them so much more. God is so creative in how he has made us all unique but alike.

I'm still awake at 1:32, why? I don't know. I guess it's because I would rather write a blog and express myself to God about how cool he is than sleep. BUT I suppose God did create rest for a reason, after all even He needed it on the seventh day. Good night Jesus!

Confession

I am selfish. I am judgmental... a hypocrite. Things that I never wanted to be. I've thought differently about others because I thought that they were being these things. God is revealing a lot of things about myself to me. He is most definitely wanting to humble my spirit. Even though I hate what I see in me, I know this is what I need though. How can I love others before I can love myself? It just doesn't work that way and I need to acknowledge my Savior's forgiveness and mercy.

Yesterday, I went with Alisha, Emily, and the rest of Ryan Mifflin's Dirty Roots Revolution gang to St. Louis. We helped pass out care packages with food, some socks, hats, mittens, and toiletries to homeless people. After all of the packages were gone, we just hung out with them for like 2 hours, talking. The DRR crew has been going there for about a year now and so they know most of the people who come by and get the packages. They're friends, genuinely. It truly humbled me to hear some of their stories. Sometimes people cross to the other side of the street just so they can avoid the homeless ones. They're not even treated like humans half the time. And yet, when I talk to them, they have better than most of the "normal" people that I know. Even though they have nothing, they are happier than many wealthy people I know. I see Jesus in them.

I read Shane Claiborne's Irresistible Revolution last year. It was pretty inspiring. Anyway, he talked about how he met a lot of homeless people in a large city and they all slept at an old church building and the city wanted to kick them out. They were able to construct a sign saying, "How can we worship a homeless man on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?" The homeless man they referred to is my Saviour, Jesus Christ. You see, Jesus never truly had a home or a place where he could rest his head. He didn't belong anywhere, but he was the ultimate example of love and acceptance. What an amazing God. It puts things in perspective when you think about it like that. How can we ignore the poor and impoverished, the orphaned and widowed? I'm really thankful that God brought me to St. Louis yesterday. I have so much to be thankful for. I suppose it is the season for that and this year, I'm not just saying thanks... I'm actually going to do something about it. Because Jesus has blessed me with so much, he will also bless others through me.

Not My Own...

I can finally see,
That you're right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you

-Owl City

Goodness, life hasn't been this big of a roller coaster in a long time. It's just crazy what God does to get our attention sometimes. Like, you never would have thought that God puts us in the strangest of circumstances just so we will notice him. He truly does give and take away, but he is still so good.

I love Jesus but I just cannot figure out for the life of me why he would want me to hang out with him. I think I've realized within the last week just how truly human Jesus was. There is always this picture in my mind of Jesus being totally God, even though I'm a firm believer in the trinity, I put the God part of Jesus first. Mmmmake sense? Recently I've just felt that his humanness has been made so evident to me. He was tempted and tried. When I think about all the things that I want to buy or possess or how well-off I want to be when I grow up, I can see that Jesus was offered those things freely and turned them away from me. When my relationships fall apart and I feel betrayed or hurt, I think back to when... pretty much all of Jesus' best friends in the entire world betrayed him at the worst possible time ever. How selfish of me to think that God doesn't know what I'm going through.

Recognizing the divine humanness of Christ also motivates me. Yes, he is God as well as the Spirit but he was human. If he was a human and faced all of these things that I face, and still didn't sin.... I am certainly capable of striving for the same. I know that because I am not divine, I will screw up (immensely I'm sure) but why would I not try?

It makes me appreciate the similarity of God's character to ours and how he truly did create us in his image. He is a faithful God and I owe my faithfulness to him. How can I think that my life belongs to me? I am truly not my own because he made me into a new creation for him.

I used to have a blog, which was basically my journal. Ya know, the XANGA thing? I know, I was a cool kid ; ) So I stopped that and tried to do the manual writing journal thingy and I just don't like that. I need to start new with a lot of things. It doesn't really matter if anybody reads this, as long as I can vent or pour myself out at the end of the day and express myself to the Lord is all that I really care about.

Even though I don't fully understand what is happening in my life right now, why it's happening, and what is going to happen, all I can really do is place these things in God's hands. To not lean on my own understanding (because we all know that would fail) is to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I pray that he would help me to do this right now. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.